An 11-Year-Old Attempts to Impress Girls

December 9, 2020

When I was 11 years old, my parents got a new ironing board. I painted a Frankenstein monster on said ironing board box. I proceeded to cut out eyes and slid the box all the way down to my ankles. I had a phenomenal plan! I would walk down to Tracie Vasquez’s home, knock on the door, and scare her. It was foolproof! I’m sure as I walked down the street the neighbors were saying to themselves, what is that Hamilton boy up to now? He’s a bit strange. As I carefully waddled toward her front door, I was gearing myself up for the big moment. When I went to ring the doorbell I realized that I could not use my arms or hands. I did what every other young American boy would do in a similar situation, just like any father would say, “use your head!” I used my headI knocked once “I’m so excited!” I knocked again’ “She is going to love me!” As I raised my clenched fist to make that third knock, something unexpected happened, she opened the door. With no way to stop my fall (my arms were plastered at my side), I went headfirst into the tile. There was no movement after I hit the ground. They pulled the box off my body and there I was a bleeding, slobbery mess.I regained consciousness and for some reason did not go home. I remember playing in her front yard and then I did something that I know just won her heart, I began vomiting, what my South Coast Christian Assembly kids in Southern California, called the “psychedelic yawn.” Mrs. Vazquez sensed something was awfully wrong.

My mom took me to the hospital. As I was laying in a hospital bed, the doctor walked into the room and asked me “How did this happen, son?” I remember thinking, that “This is not my dad.” I would like to note that I said this a good eight years before the Empire Strikes Back. We were still in the Lost in Space era at this point. I was diagnosed with a concussion. I would like to say I got my concussion on accident unlike those silly football players who do it on purpose (just kidding.) The moral of the story is very simple, do not put a box on your head and try to scare a girl because you like her.

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